


lonely? press play.

by Tracy Jacks (richeyedwards)



Category: Blur, Britpop - Fandom
Genre: F/M, wo w i hate myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:36:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10093193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/richeyedwards/pseuds/Tracy%20Jacks
Summary: what anecdote can i bring to you?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [lonely press play](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8533462) by [Tracy Jacks (richeyedwards)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/richeyedwards/pseuds/Tracy%20Jacks). 



> Slightly revamped version of the original that's been sitting in my docs for ages. Also plot? What the fuck is that?

**2014** \- “You should listen to it.”

Divina raises a brow at her friend, wondering if the blonde is in any way joking. Hazel eyes appear genuine. Then again, they are always like that. Cat could never tell a lie. Divina shakes her head and sets her cup down gently. Her curt response provides no room for an argument, a quick glimpse into her rigid personality. The topic shouldn’t even be mentioned in the first place, let alone discussed. “I don’t have the time to listen to whatever musical endeavors my ex-boyfriend has. You’re the third person who’s told me this.”

“Why won’t you listen to it?” Cat has no problem with challenging Divina. After all, she has been doing it ever since they were young. Bending Divina's stiff demeanor is nothing to her at this point. She can melt her friend to the consistency of rubber if she handled Divina the correct way. Still, she makes sure to tread carefully. Damon Albarn is a very sensitive subject - even after nearly sixteen years. Trying to shed some light into this conversation and ease the tension, she jokes, “Scared to hear a song about you in it?”

The dark-haired woman looks aghast at the idea then shakes her head again. The request is stupid in her eyes. There is nothing to gain from opening old wounds, though at this point they’re now faded scars. “Why would he write a song about me? That’s outrageous. He has a kid and a partner he can write about. I don’t think he needs to write a song about me. He's written one already, anyways. At least, I think he has.”

Cat lifts her cup of coffee, her curious eyes never leaving the woman across from her. Despite being friends ever since their childhood, Cat still can’t unlock certain parts of her. Divina is guarded, that much is true. There are things about Divina that she can never figure out. She is sure Damon knows things about Divina that she would never bring up. Their relationship had been a private one. So private that it took months for people to find out they had even broken up. The only reason they ever did was the sudden appearance of Damon’s new and pregnant girlfriend. Something happened between them, something serious enough to break up a healthy relationship. No one could deny that Damon and Divina loved each other so much. The media fondly called them Damina, something Damon laughed at and Divina detested. No one really knows what had occurred to prompt their separation. Not the other members of Blur. Not Cat. Their breakup has been immortalized as some great mystery in the music world. Ridiculous in Divina's eyes but people can’t help but speculate. They love a good tragic love story or a bad break up. They'll eat that shit up like kids at a candy store.

“It’s been a very long time. Maybe he’s grown up a little and decided he wanted to talk about you and him.”

“He should have come to me instead of writing cryptic lyrics like some weirdo.” It never occurs to Divina that musicians deal with their feelings a little differently than most people.  They like to express thoughts and emotions through song, a medium with which they are comfortable. Love weaves into the most romantic of lyrics. Frustration explodes through the angry drum beats. Some of Blur’s greatest songs had been created out of strong feelings. Damon talks through his lyrics while Divina doesn’t talk at all. “We broke up sixteen years ago, Cat. Can’t you guys let it go?  _ God _ , even Graham said the same thing when I saw him a few days ago. I don’t get why I still talk to you two since you both manage to bring him up every time I see you. I don’t know how it is for Graham but isn’t awkward for you to still keep in touch with both of us?”

“Look, it’s kind of inevitable to speak to Damon when I married the bassist of his band.” Cat sighs softly then reaches over to take Divina's hand, squeezing gently. “I know you’re very private, but can  _ you _ let him go? You stopped bringing him up right after you two broke up and you sped through med school like you were avoiding something. It’s like...a part of you died when your relationship did, too. You changed so quickly. Even now, you still overwork yourself as if you’re trying to keep yourself distracted...What happened between you two?”

True to her nature, Divina chooses to avoid this confrontation. She is under no obligation to divulge the details of her relationship. If she is in need of answers, then Cat can call up her buddy Damon Albarn for the big scoop. “I have to go,” she states in a flat tone as she throws a few bills onto the table. “Thanks for brunch.” By the time Cat manages to form a response in her head, Divina is up and out of the door.

 

Her workload isn’t enough to keep the thought of Damon out of her head. Usually, it does the job without any problem. Cat's confrontation has left an impact on Divina and now she can’t shake the thought of Damon out of her head. Halfway through her third medical report, she has to put the work aside and take a well-deserved break. The intrusive thoughts about the musician refuse to go away. She closes her laptop a little too hard then grabs her phone. After swiping away notifications from her social media, she pulls up the YouTube app. For a moment, she remains on the homepage, not quite sure why she is dredging up the past like someone who's desperate for closure. She's not desperate. She's moved on like a normal person. At least that’s what she has fooled herself into thinking.

Before she can change her mind, she types Damon’s name in the search bar then clicks enter. It takes some scrolling and wrong videos to find his newest album.  _ Everyday Robots _ . Sounds like something an edgelord would say. She stares at the thumbnail showing the cover. There he is. Someone had been gracious enough to upload the entire album to the internet. And with lyrics, too. She grabs her headphones and prepares for a full immersion into his brand new music. It can’t be so hard to push away the nasty things that had happened between them for an hour or so. That’s not too long. Maybe she’ll actually enjoy listening to his voice again.

His voice has changed drastically from his days with Blur. It aged like fine wine, needless to say. Still, she can hear the young Damon in the deep registers as he sings. His voice reminds her of the times he would sing her to sleep. Those were the nights he found her waking up after a nightmare she couldn’t remember. Her horrible dreams almost always guaranteed a rough night ahead for both of them. Like a champion, though, Damon stuck through the entire ordeal for her. The nightmares haven’t stopped, unfortunately. She continues on listening but she can’t find any lyrics that could pertain to her until she comes upon the third song.  It immediately brings back the first time they ever met.

_ “Arrhythmia, accepting that you live / With uncertainty / If you're lonely, press play…” _

**1995** \- A simple conversation had turned into a long and winding one. He knew her favorite books and she knew his favorites songs. Acquaintances now turned into friends. Cat had dragged her to this gig without giving up a fight. The overload of med school homework had prompted Cat to pull Divina out of the dorms. Once in awhile a break was a good thing. All the studying would turn Divina into a hermit if she wasn’t careful Though she wouldn’t openly admit, Divina had genuinely enjoyed herself throughout the entire concert. 

She should have headed home once the band had left the stage but Cat begged and pleaded for her to join them at the pub for a few drinks. The blonde did not want to be entirely alone with four men. There had to be some estrogen mixed in with the sausage party. One thing led to another and Divina found herself making small talk with the lead singer. His name was Damon Albarn. Through Damon, she learned that Cat's recent involvement with the bassist had allowed both girls to see the gig. 

Laughing, Divina made a joke, “If that’s what flirting with the bassist gets, what about flirting with the lead singer?” Her chuckles died down as she realized she was coming on to with Damon. How unlike her. The two sips of beer really made a difference with her demeanor. It gave her a few ounces of confidence she never knew she could muster. It was unlike her to act so forward. He was just so darn handsome. Anyone could get lost in those beautiful blue eyes. She quickly thought of an excuse but he didn’t allow for her to fix the outburst.

Instead of looking aghast or offended, Damon seemed amused. “Another ticket to our gig and...” He paused to fish through his jacket’s pocket. His hand pushed a cassette in her direction. “A sloppy mixtape I meant to save for myself.” A finger tapped the cassette lightly. “Good songs are in it, I promise. Nice songs. When you get sad or something, you can play this and you’ll feel loads better.”

Her gaze lowered to the small rectangle as she took it carefully. The case had no sleeve but it did have a piece of white tape. The white tape acted as a makeshift label. Black pen wrote out the words, “IF YOU’RE LONELY PRESS PLAY.” It sounded cheesy as hell. Something that a pretentious twat would carry around but she liked it. She stuffed it in her purse for safekeeping and she didn’t leave the pub alone that night. 

**2014** \- The first three lines prompts her to pause the song as she thinks about that phrase again.  _ “If you’re lonely, press play.” _ She yanks the headphones out of her ears and sets the phone down on the desk. This has to be some sick joke. He’s just messing with her and Cat's in on it. That’s a perfect explanation for this entire situation. Frowning, she grabs her phone again, intent on calling Cat in order to accuse her of such a trick. She stops herself before she could pull up her contacts and press the call selection. Her friend has five children under the age of ten and it’s way past midnight. Calling her at this time of night will earn Divina a death sentence in less that ten seconds. Cat's wrath is not a pretty sight. 

Instead, she lowers the phone down again. No one needs to be called tonight. Rash decisions are not for this kind of issue. Her thoughts will remain her own thoughts. Besides, she may just be overreacting over one stupid line. It’s just one little line. Damon probably reuses the same names for his stuff. All of this is merely coincidental. Still, it seems pretty odd that Cat would mention a song about her, however joking the blonde’s tone had been. Did she have prior knowledge to this supposed song about her? Then again, she had no idea about the cassette Damon had given Divina when the pair had met. There’s no way she could have been remotely aware of the cassette’s name either. Maybe Cat just wants Divina to find closure with Damon and this is the only way to do it. Whatever the case, she doesn’t pick up her phone again to finish listening to the song. 

She sits in utter silence for what feels like an eternity. The slow hum of the city had left a long time ago. It’s just her and her thoughts for the rest of the night. Finally, she pushes herself out of the chair to get ready for bed. It’s late and sleep is the best remedy. Sitting around and thinking about her feelings will not do any good at this time of night. In a matter of minutes she has brushed her teeth and slipped into her pajamas. On her walk back to her bedroom, she stops by her office to grab her phone. The app is still open on her phone when she unlocks it. She stares at the title of the song. “Lonely Press Play.” Settling on the bed, she makes one more attempt at listening to it. Maybe she can get through it without getting another wave of nostalgia. She’ll take nausea over nostalgia any day. Nausea is easy to get over. You puke and it’s all better. It goes away. It doesn’t claw at the back of your mind. Not for the former. It takes ages to accept the past. Divina's not exactly sure if she’s learned to accept the past yet. She thinks she has but that’s different from truly accepting it.

_ “Cause you're not resolved / In your heart, you're waiting for me...” _

**1998** \- A nearly a month after she broke up with Damon, Divina had been frantically packing away her entire life to move. She had spent a great deal on begging for the internship at a prestigious hospital she had declined for Damon. Now that they weren’t together anymore, it seemed futile to give up on her dream of becoming a medical doctor. Somehow, the hospital was lenient and allowed for her entry. For that, she was forever grateful. Divina counted herself lucky that there was one more spot left and that they still wanted her to join their forces. For the first time in forever, she prayed to God and thanked him profusely for the second opportunity.

The only room in her apartment that hadn’t been packed away was her bedroom. Her dining sets had been carefully stowed away in boxes. Her towels folded neatly in even more boxes. The apartment felt empty without decoration, nothing to indicate how “lived in” it truly was. The furniture took up some space but it lacked the warmth of her own home. In her bedroom, she started with the dressers, pulling out her pajamas and undergarments. Eventually, she made her way down the dressers, sorting out the articles of clothing into specific suitcases or duffel bags. She dumped the last drawer out on her bed, a mess of socks and panties on the unmade bed. As she pushed some mismatched socks aside, her fingers stumbled upon something hard and rectangular. Picking it up, she quickly realized what it was. 

It's that damn cassette again. She thought she had given it back to Damon along with the other things that were technically still his. She stared at the writing on the spine. His neat script adorned the side in black marker. Seeing this little reminder of Damon made her heart hurt. It’s only been a month but the sting of their sudden demise still brought pain. There were so many things that they could have fixed. Unimportant details that didn’t even matter had been amplified to gross proportions. All the words they had exchanged were anything but genuine. The bottled up feelings had fermented into something awful. Their emotions had been running high and the tabloids knew how to work that to their advantage. Nothing like stirring up drama in a seemingly content couple. Of course, the gossip rags can only push them so far before someone ends up breaking. In the weeks leading up to their break-up, Damon had become paranoid and assumed Divina had been cheating on him. It was a false assumption. She had been nothing but faithful to him. He should have known that. The outlandish accusation finally sprung up during a petty argument over dinner. Something so trivial about tomatoes escalated to bring out the worst in both of them. The original topic had been buried by the frustration brought out from both Divina and Damon. In a fit of passion, she urged him to break up with her since he seemed so angry about her supposed cheating (of which there had been none at all). She practically begged him to dump her right then and there. With his anger flaring just as bad as hers, he agreed. A long stretch of silence followed his outburst. She said nothing and stormed out.

The next day, she returned his stuff. In a small box, she gave back his favorite football jersey, a few pieces of jewelry, photos he had taken of them, and the Bob Welch album with “their song.” The meeting was beyond awkward. It wasn’t as brief as she had wanted. It should have been a ten second interaction where she handed him the box then headed straight for the door. Not how it went, unfortunately. After he took the box, there was an uncomfortable silence in which both of them thought about the events that had led to this conclusion. Things they hadn’t said lingered in the air, hanging in silence until she decided it was time to go. Their relationship hadn’t ended on a good note and left many, many holes. There was so much she could have said to save their relationship but she said nothing and ran off like the coward she was. She was sure Damon also thought the same thing but they had exchanged such strong words that there was no way they could take it back. 

“Well, this is it,” she had told him. 

He nodded.

She left.

**2014** \- It takes Divina a few moments to bring herself back to the present. Her hands grasp the sheets tightly while she assures herself softly that she is no longer in 1998. This is 2014 and she’s at her own apartment, away from Damon Albarn. She doesn't even know where he is anymore. All the tabs she kept on him are completely gone. She stopped following his life when she left it. He’s out of her life and she’s out of his. If only it’s that simple still.

She feels her typically dormant emotions grow overwhelming and in a matter of seconds she’s crying. With every line she finds more pieces of her relationship with Damon. Not the pieces they had divulged to the public. No, these are the pieces that only the two of them would remember. The pieces that they had cherished while they were together then packed away when they no longer were. There are little shards of their shattered relationship. It may not have been pretty little pieces but, when forged into a whole, it tells a beautiful story of two people who were together. Together but at the wrong time. They were a modern tragedy. This song is for her. Even if she denies it a million times, the song is still just for her. Whatever the meaning may be, it doesn’t matter. She knows this is meant for her. 

_ “Swimming in blue / After New Year…” _

**1999** \- She had moved just after New Year’s, right after Damon returned the few things she had left at his flat. Took him long enough to give them back. The new year had greeted her with a new single status and a promising start in the medical field. She should have been happy but Divina couldn’t bring herself to even smile as Cat assisted in moving her things to her new apartment. The entire drive saw Divina quiet despite the many attempts at conversation. Every question was met with silence. Not even the mention of Damon could bring her to spill her guts, to explode with whatever anger was hiding. Cat didn’t even know yet that they had broken up but she still knew that something was wrong. 

“So, you’re not gonna tell me at all what’s wrong?” 

Divina lifted her head away from the window then glanced at her friend. There’s a worried glint in the hazel eyes. Of course Cat would be worried. Her caring nature allowed for her to be concerned for literally everyone, even for those who didn’t deserve it. Caring was Cat’s thing while not caring was Divina's. She shook her head. “There’s nothing wrong. I’m just tired. I spend all night packing, you know.”

Something in the way Cat glanced at her showed that she didn’t buy it. The light turned green and promptly saved Divina from the intense interrogation that would have followed with her blatant lying. The rest of the drive was spent in silence. While she watched the city pass by, Divina couldn’t help but notice how bleak everything appeared to be. It was a new year. There should be some sort of positive aura emanating from the city itself. Her surroundings looked blue. Not even the happier kind of blue. The blue she saw was reminiscent of Picasso’s depressive era and evoked a sadness she couldn’t shake off. It didn’t match up with the happiness of a brand new start. 

Of course, she knew exactly why things seemed so dark for her. It had to do with Damon. Her hand slid into her coat’s pocket. His cassette had been nestled safely in there along with the keys to her new apartment. She couldn’t quite let go of the final piece of Damon she still possessed. Her hand tightened around the plastic case as she sat in utter silence, ignoring the fact that Cat had put on a Bob Welch CD.

_ “Can I get any closer? / What anecdote can I bring to you?...” _

**2014** \- She knows that this part isn’t addressing the past. Is it a truce? An olive branch being extended to her through a song? Does he want her to think about the happy memories they had shared? A long awaited redemption for the mess they had left for each other, perhaps. Divina frowns down at her phone and ponders the remaining lyrics. What do they mean? She’s aware it had been written with her in mind. Dammit, she’s a doctor, not an English major. She can’t decode this song even if her life depends on it.

_ “Arrhythmia, accepting that you live / With one certainty / If you're lonely, press play...” _

One certainty? She thinks about the absolutes in her life. Her doctorate. Her car. Her sense of accomplishment. Her apartment. The stray cat that’s not really her cat but he likes her. The never wavering privacy she keeps. Her friends. There are many certainties in her life. She, of all people, should know that about herself. His lyrics make no sense to her at all. She doesn’t understand. Or...rather, she doesn’t  _ want _ to understand. 

_ “Can I get any closer? / What anecdote can I bring to you?..." _

There it is again. She thinks about the one time they almost reunite.  _ Almost _ . It doesn’t even count as a meeting as she never did approach him. Still, she can remember the way his eyes had lit up at the sight of her at the same bakery as him. The look on his face is etched into her memory forever. He had smiled at her and made a move to approach her. Before he could take a step, she had snuck out through the side exit. As she passed the storefront, she caught a glimpse of him. He had been searching for her like a lost puppy. She remembered how his hopeful expression turned confused as he wondered if seeing her had been a hallucination. Thinking about how they almost collided again makes Divina think about the other “almosts” between them. What other events lay unfinished between them. What had they left hanging. 

Their break up.

It always comes back to the night they had decided to call it quits. 

Divina had the chance to save their relationship. She didn’t take it. She didn’t even bring up the possibility of salvaging whatever had been leftover from their nasty argument. The accusations had made her so upset that she couldn’t think properly anymore. Her anger had gotten the best of her. Even up to now she still thinks about how she could have changed the course of the night. So many things could have been fixed. It didn’t have to finish that way for them. They could have started over and thought things over like real adults. It could have ended in a better way. 

Maybe they could have had a future together. A real future with two kids and happiness. It could have been a nice ending for them. Though she had been against having children, over time she would have changed her mind. Marriage had never really been a huge thing for either of them but having a family could have been something they worked on. If she had played things out differently, Divina would have been the one to bear Damon’s child and he wouldn’t have to write a song about their failed relationship. If only she had done something to prevent their break-up. 

Then again, Damon had the chance to save their relationship, too. He didn’t take it, either. They were both at fault for their own destruction. Damon had the skill to move on and mature as a result of their separation. He reflected back on it years later to decide that he wants to make up, regardless of how late the peace is being offered. The only thing that stood in the way is Divina's stubbornness. Does she want to bury the hatchet for good? Or will she live her life with the guilt and the refusal to do anything about the uneasiness clawing at her?

That was a long time ago, though. It’s no use dwelling on what they could and couldn’t have done. The past is in the past. Divina scoffs at her foolishness for yanking up the memories that are better off hidden. She doesn’t need to waste even more time in thinking about how she could have fixed her and Damon. They had ended it without reconciliation of any sort. Now she has to deal with it. 

But she can’t. She doesn’t want to deal with it. Not like this.

_ “Cause you're not resolved / In your heart you're waiting for me...” _


End file.
